The first couple episodes of "Top Chef" aren't exactly must-see TV, now are they? Last night's challenges were absurdly easy, and yet several of the chefs turned in food that they probably wouldn't feed to their dogs under normal circumstances. Why? You tell me. Are the producers casting novices? Are the judges exaggerating the flaws de cuisine? Are appetizers just really haaaard?

The quickfire challenge meant a trip to the farmer's market: 30 minutes, $30, five items, one dish. Kiwi Mark took it with sirloin with peaches and pureed turnips. The rest of the chefs realized that maybe he wasn't just the cute hobbity guy with the funny accent and started treating him better.

The chefs were split up into five teams of three for the elimination challenge. They catered a party at the Lincoln Park Zoo, and each team had to base their dishes on the diet of a certain animal: we had Team Bear, Team Gorilla, Team Lion, Team Penguin, and Team Vulture. The Penguins were the best in show, and Andrew got the win for his squid and tapioca. The Bears and the Gorillas were called in front of the judges. This is where it got ugly.

All three of the worst three dishes were...crap.

Valerie did blini with fennel mascarpone and roasted cubed rutabaga on top. First, yuck. Second, quit with the fennel already, people. Third, she didn't cook the rutabaga all the way through. Finally, do not make the blini ahead of time. What are blini? They're pancakes. Does IHOP make them ahead of time? No, they don't, and you shouldn't either.

Nikki made stuffed mushrooms. Her team members told her that they looked like turds and she better pretty them up. Then the three of them rolled the mushrooms in shaved pecorino cheese so that they would...look like white-flecked turds? Anyway, they didn't taste them and the pecorino was way too strong tasting for the delicate mushrooms.

Stephanie, last week's winner, attempted a crab salad on parsley root chips. Her chips didn't turn out, so she - wisely - chucked them and just went with the salad. Unfortunately, she made the salad up hours before serving it. The crab got mushy and watery and probably tasted pretty bad.

Honestly? Taste your food! Think about how long stuff is going to sit around before people eat it! These are pathetic rookie mistakes. I would have cut all three of them, and then I would have cut Erik for good measure. (Everything he's made so far has looked awful.) Lesson learned? Never let me judge a cooking show.

- Posted by Kate